Dear D,
I’m writing this letter after
watching the parents in the Steubenville Rape Trial crying over their son as he
was found guilty of rape. I’ll be completely honest with you; I can’t say that
I found much pity in my heart for their pain. Instead I found myself thinking, ‘yes,
you should be crying. Your son treated that girl like a toy, a rag, a nothing. You
raised a boy that lacked even the most basic compassion for that girl as a
fellow human being.’ I’m imagining your face right now, thinking ‘okay mom, not
quite sure why you’re telling me this…’ Yep, brace yourself; mom’s got a bee in
her bonnet. Just bear with me and carry on reading.
You see, somehow this crying
couple’s son and his friends were convinced they had a right to do as they
pleased – either because they were brought up believing themselves to be above the
rules, or because they were so lacking in common decency that they had no
concept of how to treat other people. Whichever it was, the parents and coaches
of Steubenville
failed their sons and contributed to a culture where a girl was treated in the
most heartless and disgraceful way for these boys amusement. The horrible truth
is that as long as parents anywhere allow their boys to think that their wants
are more important than other people’s rights this will continue to happen. I’m
writing this letter to you because I don’t want to fail you in the same way. I
love you too much to leave these things unsaid.
I need you to know that writing
this doesn't mean that I think you would act like these boys did. Discussing
the potential for bad behaviour doesn't mean I think it’s inevitable, or even
likely. It just means I need to know (for both our sakes) that I taught you
what sexual freedoms and responsibilities really mean. Educating you about
proper consent doesn't mean I see you as a potential sexual predator, any more
than my educating you about the safe use of matches presumed you were a potential
arsonist. This is about safety; your safety and the safety of any potential
sexual partner.
I want you to consider a
scenario. Imagine an average weekend when you’re staying at your mate’s house. You've had a good day laughing and joking with a group of people, some of whom
you know and a couple of friends-of-friends. You've had a couple of drinks,
laughed at stuff on the internet, played x-box for hours and then gradually
drifted into various stages of getting comfortable, shedding some of your
clothes and sleeping.
Now imagine waking up to discover
a man on top of you, having obviously had some kind of sex with you. I know
that’s a shocking thought. Something you've probably never considered, even
though male victims make up 8% of reported rapes. Imagine your shock, your
disgust and your anger. Now imagine everyone telling you that it’s your fault.
Would you feel that the fact that
‘you didn't say no’ while it was happening made it okay? Or that the fact you
were drunk or partly clothed or sleeping in public meant you’d put yourself at
risk and were ‘asking for it? Would the
fact that you’d spent some time together, been friendly, or accepted his offer
of a drink, mean you were ‘sending out signals’ to him? Would the fact that you
made a sexual joke earlier in the evening mean you were ‘up for it’? Would the
fact that he heard you’d had sex with one of his friends, or relatives, be an
acceptable reason? How about if you were walking home alone at night? Would you
be actively putting yourself in danger and ‘partly responsible’ if a stranger
dragged you into an alley and sexually assaulted you? If you accepted an invite
to a friend’s house and he pinned you down on the sofa, would you be to blame
for being alone with him?
I’m convinced your answer to each
of those would be a loud and vehement ‘no’ – quite rightly.
So ask yourself this: if every single
situation remained the same - except this time you’re female – does that make
it acceptable? The answer, of course, is still no. No, nothing changes the lack
of consent in these scenarios. Every one of those situations is sexual assault;
no ifs, no buts, no maybes, and no excuses. Consent cannot be assumed, forced
or taken. EVER. Consent is always, and only, something that is willingly given.
So let’s be absolutely perfectly
clear: Sexual acts that take place without consent are rape, and the only thing
that means yes is the word yes.
Not saying no does not mean yes.
Not fighting you off does not
mean yes.
Not being awake does not mean yes.
Not being sober does not mean
yes.
No type of clothing – or absence
of clothing - means yes.
No amount of previous partners
means yes.
Accepting a drink does not mean
yes. Going out to dinner does not mean yes. Accepting a lift home in your car
does not mean yes, and neither does an invitation in for coffee. Sitting next
to you on the sofa does not mean yes. A gasp, sigh or returned caress does not
mean yes. Erect flesh is not a yes – cold, fear, and even death can all cause
the body to mimic the signs of sexual arousal. A yes to a kiss does not mean
you can assume a yes to anything else. Never assume. Let me repeat that: NEVER
ASSUME.
Resist the dangerous temptation
to hope a kiss will just drift into something more without talking about it.
Understand that ‘trying it on’ or ‘pushing your luck’ or imagining you’re
correctly ‘reading the signs’ are all just polite euphemisms for being willing
to risk committing a sexual assault in the hope that your feelings are
reciprocated. Seriously, don’t. Every single woman I know can reel off
experiences with this. Don’t be that guy.
The word yes is the only 100%
unambiguous yes.
So, how do you get to yes? You
ask. Really, it’s that simple. Ask the question, hear the answer, and respond
accordingly. Even if it’s not the answer you were hoping for. Especially if it’s not the answer you
were hoping for. That’s the difference between two people enjoying sex together,
and one person sexually assaulting the other. The only reliable invitations to
sex are clear, unambiguous, and verbal. If asking and affirming seem too
embarrassing to contemplate, then maybe you just aren’t ready for sex with
another person.
There’s only one person you
should ever consider having unquestioning, silent sex with: yourself. That’s
also the only person that might possibly ‘owe you’ an orgasm.
I know, all this sounds like such
a list of rules and obligations for something that’s meant to be ‘natural’. Too
much effort, even – well that’s tough. The world should not be treated like a
sexual all-you-can-eat buffet where you can just help yourself. That’s exactly
the attitude that has those boys (quite rightly) sitting in a cell. Sex that
involves anyone beyond yourself is never just about your desire. If you imagine
that your desires ever allow you to coerce another person into fulfilling your
sexual need, then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to personally face
the consequences of that view. We’re right back to that scenario where some
stranger decides to use your body to fulfill their
sexual desires, regardless of your feelings. Or you end up in a cell. Think
about what that mindset means for the female relatives that you love. Should
they be ‘fair game’ to any person attracted to them – like some commodity?
That’s the rape-culture mindset, right there. It’s why I’m taking the time to
put my thoughts on to paper; because the best lesson I can teach you is the
ability to recognise that your choices have consequences, for you and the
people you involve in your decisions.
So far, so negative… but there
are real personal benefits to consent. Consensual sex is glorious. Verbal
communication is hot. Listening to your partner and verbalising what you want
will make you better in bed, and more responsive to each other's needs.
Talking about your desires and fantasies is far more likely to lead to them
happening than hoping you’re dating a psychic. I’m sure your cringing at me
now, but if you got this far there’s chocolate in the fridge, help yourself to
it. Yes, this is a test.
You might not think it now, but
making sure the sex you are involved in always involves complete consent will
be the best gift you can give your future self. You’ll never look at yourself
in the mirror and wonder if you pushed someone to doing something they weren't ready for. You’ll never be the hypocrite that lectures their child
while hiding a guilty secret. You won’t be burdened with regret at the harm you
personally caused someone. You’ll never look a woman who has been abused in the
face and know you’re a part of what caused her hurt. Most of all, you’ll be a
leader not a follower. You’ll never be that boy in court; instead you’ll be
part of a better consciousness that will make the world a safer place for
everyone.
You’ll be the man I already see in you.
With love, always, Mum xxx